M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
