I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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