I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
