I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
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This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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