I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
