I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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