What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
