my phone needs a breathalizer
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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