Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
