textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
