This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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