a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Randomize
