I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
