So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
