talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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