i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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