i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
