Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
