I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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