Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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