i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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