I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
