i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
