I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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