Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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