apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
