I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
