Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
