her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
