you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
lol hangovers are for mortals.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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