I will die if light touches me.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Randomize
