My underwear smells like fireworks.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
