I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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