you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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