I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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