OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
