Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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