it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
