I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
