either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
