Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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