He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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