I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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