Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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