i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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