so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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