everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
