You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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