There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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