So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
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Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
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I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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