when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm bleeding and have questions
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
