So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
