so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
