I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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