I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
