Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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