i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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